Match point: If dating is a track event, what kind of runner are you?

There are more apps for it than ever, more decisions, more events. There’s a complicated culture evolving — of icks and etiquette; flags in red, green and beige. One could get a red card for being too nice, or not nice enough; using too many emojis, or too few words.

Dating, in fact, has become something of a competitive sport.

One must navigate the courses, make it through qualifiers, stand out in just the right way as matches are evaluated. There’s a lot of trying, losing and scorekeeping; and goals being redefined. Types are emerging: The sprinter, the marathoner, the hobbyist.
Which of these is you?
* The sprinter: This is a person in a race against the clock. They’re fitting dates into their lunch hour, scheduling 10-minute coffee meet-ups on a Monday morning.
Over 68% of Gen Z users in the US admitted to using dating apps while at work, in a 2020 Tinder survey of 1,000 users under 30.
There is, in fact, an interface designed to cater to this. Desk Mode, a feature on the desktop version of Tinder, lets users swipe during work hours and hide their activities behind a fake project-management tool. Originally released in 2017, it was relaunched post-pandemic, in 2022.
* The marathoners: They bounce back from failed connections and rejections. Even when the finish line is nowhere in sight, they find ways to keep hope alive. They turn to their social support systems — friends, family, colleagues — for encouragement. Embrace new apps and hacks. Work on themselves steadily, their filters, profiles and bios.
The steady pace, realistic expectations and social support keep them energised through a long search, says dating and relationship coach Simran Mangharam.
“They are the likeliest to find what they are looking for, since honesty, patience and effort are key,” she adds. (Turn to this week’s With Love column for more on this.)
Her advice: Don’t restrict yourself to a single track. “Mix it up a little.” There’s nothing wrong with meeting someone your parents think might be right for you. Spread the word among friends and be specific about what you are looking for. “Try multiple ways of meeting new people.”
* The hobby runner: They’re in no tearing hurry. They may, in fact, only log in on the weekends. For some, this is a way of tempering expectations and minimising stress. For others, it is a way to compartmentalise the search and make it more efficient.
“The part-timers are systematic in their approach and clear about their intent,” says Mangharam. “They want to make dating platforms work for them, instead of running out of energy while shooting in the dark.”
New app formats have been emerging in response. Coffee Meets Bagel, launched by three Korean-American sisters (Arum Kang, Dawoon Kang and Soo Kang) in 2012 and now available in 190 countries including India, offers users a daily batch of matches that users can like or pass on within 24 hours. It also limits the chat function to seven days, to encourage users to exchange personal information, meet offline, or close the door on the option and move on.
The UK-based Mattr allows users to activate a time-out toggle button to indicate when they are taking a break from the app. Launched in 2023 by Jamie Johnston, 34, after he was diagnosed with ADHD, it is designed to be less gamified and less addictive, he has said.
And, of course, there’s Thursday. Launched in 2021, it facilitates meet-ups on Thursdays, prioritises offline interaction, and is inaccessible through the rest of the week.
* The endorphin-chasers: They’re here for the high of swiping and being swiped on. They revel in the side quests (points, bonus features, compatibility quizzes). Online dating is to them what Candy Crush is to the casual gamer: Easy, fun, addictive.
Except, as with Candy Crush and other games of its kind, a negative cycle can set in fairly fast.
Earlier this year, Match Group, the company that owns Tinder, Hinge and OkCupid, faced a lawsuit from six plaintiffs in San Francisco. It claimed the company used addictive, game-like features to “lock users into a perpetual pay-to-play loop”.
Tinder co-founder Jonathan Badeen admitted, in a 2018 HBO documentary, that the app “kinda works like a slot machine” to generate “a nice little rush”.
The experience on dating apps is meant to be addictive, so vigilance on this front is important, says Kasturi Mahanta, a counselling psychologist, relationship coach and author of Red, Green, and Sometimes Beige: The Ins and Outs of a Healthy Relationship (2024).
Avoid turning the process into a sport, adds Mangharam. Gamification can leave users confused about why they’re there and what path their search is taking. Which is good news for the app, but bad news for the person looking for love.